This poster looks more like the movie I hoped for than the movie actually was.
This review is for the Tim Burton Alice in Wonderland. I really do feel like I need to specify because there are like 50 movies called Alice in Wonderland. It’s not even the only Disney movie with that name (obviously). This movie broke my brain, so I’m going to do the best I can with brain juice leaking out my ears. Breaking my brain isn’t necessarily a bad thing… I think. I don’t know.
This is my brain on Alice in Wonderland. Any questions?
Also worth mentioning, for I feel I must mention it: I love Alice in Wonderland. The book. The other book, Through the Looking Glass, and What Alice Saw There. All but two of the movies. I even love the Batman villain Mad Hatter, but that matter is neither here nor there. I also love all but two Tim Burton movies. I love Johnny Depp. Even I realized this is a perfect storm for massive disappointment. I would have skipped this movie altogether if it wasn’t for Alan Rickman. Alan Rickman is one of my safety actors. He’s so brilliant that a movie can blow monkey balls and I wouldn’t be disappointed in his performance. So I figured, no matter how badly my childhood gets raped, Alan Rickman will save me. Just worth mentioning.
The definition of brilliant actor.
So the movie starts in a house where Alice’s dad is doing business with people. I don’t know what the business is. Either way, this is the first clue that there is some major deviation from all source material. While Alice’s dad is talking to the people, a pajama-clad Alice stands in the doorway. Knowing she’s had a nightmare, Alice’s dad puts her back to bed where she asks if she’s gone round the bend. Okay, I had to say it like that because “round the bend” and “round the twist” are two of my favorite ways to say “mad as a hatter”. Alice’s dad tells her, “Yes, I’m afraid you’ve gone completely bonkers. But let me let you in on a secret: all the best people are.” That’s just a great quote. Anyway, we skip ahead a million years… or thirteen, I guess the screen said… and a 19-year-old Alice is off to a fancy party that’s so obviously not her.
At this party, there are all these people bossing Alice around, basically making her think she shouldn’t be herself, and telling her what’s expected of her. In her defense, Alice doesn’t know what to make of any of it. Either way, she sees a White Rabbit, and blah blah blah, we’ve all been down this rabbit hole before. And so has Alice.
This really doesn’t seem all that familiar, Alice?
Alice returns to Underland… That bothered me. That is the last time I refer to it as Underland, as it is called in the movie. It’s not Alice in Underland, it’s Alice in Wonderland. Anyway, Alice returns to Wonderland where she goes through the same thing she has once before with the growing and the shrinking and the key and the little door. We hear voices comment upon on how she should remember it from last time, so we know she’s done it all before. Blah blah blah.
Alice is greeted by the White Rabbit, who claims she is the right Alice, the Dormouse, who claims she’s the wrong Alice, and the Tweedles, who don’t seem to know either way. Also, they all have names, I have forgotten them. Well, I mean, I remember the Tweedles… Anyway! They take her to go see Alan Rickman the Caterpillar who claims she is the wrong Alice. They tell her about Frajubulous Day where Alice is to slay the Jaberwocky. It was about here that I sensed a more than major deviation from all source material. Anyway, things come, everyone runs, someone loses an eye, Alice gets hurt, and the Cheshire cat tells Alice to see the Mad Hatter.
Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum. Or is it Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dee?
I’m going to deviate to tell you that I love Johnny Depp. I have said this before. When I was fourteen, I wanted to create a band based on the Mad Hatter, called The Mad Hatters. I imagined four girls, dressed in tails and top hats of four different colors, all the hats with the 10/6 card. I told you, I love Alice in Wonderland, but I especially love the Mad Hatter. I also deviate to tell you that I didn’t actually think Johnny Depp was creepy in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, which is a necessary deviation.
The Mad Hatter made me want to cry. While I at times felt that he was sweet and I sympathized with him, he has this major Uncle Creepy vibe going on. Sort of like the Batman Mad Hatter. Yes! That’s exactly it! That’s what I couldn’t place my finger on, he had that same creepy vibe as the Batman villain. Anyway, he notices that people are coming and shrinks Alice even more and stuffs her into a teapot. Even though it was for her own safety, even Alice felt this was creepy. He leads the bad guys off the trail and goes to take Alice to the White Queen. However on the way, trouble arises and Mad Hatter turns himself in so that Alice can get away.
If they’d cast this guy, I’d at least have known what to expect in my Mad Hatter.
Also, they mixed up the Red Queen with the Queen of Hearts. That they did do. But as far as the Queen of Hearts goes, I’ve seen some that deviate even more from the path. Like the one in Adventures in Wonderland. Please stop underestimating how obsessed I am with Alice in Wonderland. Anyway, no, she’s a lot like the Queen of Hearts we all know, jealous and vain. She makes people her possessions, and she orders “Off with their heads!”
Alice decides to save the Mad Hatter, despite being told otherwise. The White Queen later reveals this was the right thing to do. Anyway, Alice goes there, ends up growing on accident, tells the Queen of Hearts the Red Queen she’s left home because of her height, and becomes the Red Queen’s favorite. Then other stuff happens, blah blah blah, Alice gets a sword, runs away, blah blah blah. Oh, and The Mad Hatter’s to be beheaded.
It was at this point I looked at the Red Knight and went “Hello! McFly!” I just can’t seem to see Crispin Glover for like a long time. I’m just like, “I know that face” and let it go but then it comes to me. I recognize Biff faster and that guy doesn’t even look like he did in Back to the Future anymore. Sorry, deviation.
So, more stuff happens, the Cheshire cat saves The Mad Hatter, everyone revolts against the Red Queen, blah blah blah, and then it turns into Narnia. Okay, I’m exaggerating a little bit. But it did turn into a game of chess where half the chess pieces are playing cards and everyone has swords and all pieces can do whatever the hell they want. Where I’m from that’s called Little-Kids-Trying-to-Learn-to-Play-Chess-by-Themselves-and-Half-the-Pieces-Are-Missing-aganza. And also, they got swords. And then blah blah blah, battle ends, blah blah blah, Alice returns to her world, but not before Mad Hatter properly hits on her. Okay, not so much hit on her than propose she live with him. Just in different words, but the important thing is I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP. There is a level of wrong there. Maybe I’m the only one who sees it. I’M NOT CRAZY THOUGH.
I didn’t mention the Caterpillar that much. My bad.
Anyway, Alice returns, has a “and you were there moment” while telling everyone to properly f*** off, and becomes apprentice to a business after deciding to expand the trade route to China. I want to know what the hell kind of business it was. I hope it was opium. Either way, during the ending… I just don’t know what I think about the ending.
I’m going to rate this movie on a broken brain. I did not hate the movie. I’m just not sure how much I liked it. Once I’m over the shock, I’m sure I will know. Would I watch it again? Sure, why not? Did it rape my childhood? Not really, just molested it a little. So what the hell should I rate this?
I’m giving this three stars because I’m pretty sure it falls somewhere between 2 and 4 stars. It wasn’t the worst adaptation of Alice in Wonderland I’d seen; that would be a version of Through the Looking Glass where a thirty year old Alice is looking for her daughter in Wonderland… challenge my obsession again, I dare you. It could have been way worse… but it should have been way better.
Subject to change.
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