Movie Review: Wall Street

 Man, Charlie Sheen was hot in 1987.

Can you believe there’s going to be a sequel to Wall Street with Shia LaBeouf?  First of all, the movie’s like 23 years old.  Second of all, didn’t Shia LaBeouf learn anything from Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull?  Or any of the other movies he was in that sucked, which is all of them, Transfomers abstaining because I haven’t seen it yet.  But I don’t like Megan Fox either.  Well, it’s not fair to say I don’t like Shia LaBeouf, I did like him in his Disneyfare: Even Stevens, The Even Stevens Movie, Tru Calling and Holes.  Wait.  I got way off track here.  Anyway, I couldn’t have a proper opinion about Wall Street 2: Money Never Sleeps because, well… I never seen it.  In my defense, I was 3 and a half in 1987, and I had a lot of other movies to watch in the past 23 years.  Point is, I’ve seen it now, and man, the movie sucks.

Yes, I understand it’s like one of the important movies, but it still sucks.  I mean, besides the cast.  The cast rocks.  And they’re good at acting.  I guess it’s written pretty well.  The music bugged me.  Also, the plot was very dry, and maybe too straight forward.  That last part surprises me because the only other Oliver Stone film I’ve seen is Natural Born Killers, which is so not straight forward it took me three weeks to decide that I didn’t like that movie that much, either.  Wait, I’m sidetracking again.

The cast of the movie was great.  There was Michael Douglas and Martin Sheen, who I believe were well established, awesome actors by 1987.  There’s Charlie Sheen, who I believe was an up and comer… and hot.  Terence Stamp was also there.  I absolutely adore Terence Stamp; the man is awesome.  Then there are other members of the cast that I liked because of who they would be.  There was John C. McGinely of Office Space and Scrubs, and there was James Spader from Shorts.  Yes, I’ve seen Shorts.  It’s cute.  Hey, James Spader has been in a movie with Charlie Sheen, and in one with Jon Cryer.  All he needs is Angus T. Jones and he’s been in a movie with all Two and a Half Men.  Also, I’m horrible.

 While he did age well, oh my gosh he was yummy in the ‘80s!

Oh, yeah, and Daryl Hannah was in it, but she ruined the role of Morticia Addams in Addams Family Reunion and we will never speak of her again.

And since when is Gomez Addams British?

So the movie’s really straight forward, like I said.  Getting into details seems pointless because it’s all dry, and boring.  Also, I forgot the characters names and I don’t want to look them up.  Basically, Charlie Sheen manages to impress Michael Douglas, who then takes Charlie Sheen under his wing and together they commit securities fraud.  Really exciting stuff there, amiright?  Anyway, at some point, Charlie Sheen learns that if someone is willing to break the law, then you should probably suspect that at some point, they tell lies, because he finds out Michael Douglas has lied to him in a big way, and he decides he needs to fix it.  Other stuff happens, but it’s not even important stuff.  I just liked the parts with either John C. McGinley or Terence Stamp.  Love them.

Half the movie was literally Michael Douglas on a phone.

What this movie really needed more of was Terence Stamp.  It also needed more Terence Stamp kicking ass, because Terence Stamp only kicked one ass in this movie, and he didn’t even do it solo.  He kicked more asses in Priscilla, Queen of the Desert, a movie about transvestites and a post-op transsexual going across the desert in a bus singing ABBA songs.

Bernadette is pretty kick ass, though.

If the cast in this movie wasn’t so great, I don’t think this movie would be as well liked as it is.  I could be wrong.  But I think it’s dry and boring and would have stopped watching if Charlie Sheen wasn’t so hot or if I hadn’t wanted to see if Terence Stamp would kick any asses.  This movie let me down.  I give it one and a half stars.

I started doing homework in the middle of this movie.  It sucks.

So, no, I don’t think that this movie needs a sequel.  Not because it’s so beloved, and I definitely don’t think that Shia LaBeouf could hurt the franchise.  Who wants to see the sequel to a dry and boring movie?  But Hollywood does live by a code: “Greed, for lack of a better word, is good.”

 No one can in good conscious say you contributed to sequel/adaption rape -- this time.